Lame Blog.. sorry :)

I've been so busy lately, and a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I don't want to talk about it all here and now.  All I can say is that I can't wait for all of my finals to be over and the school year to end. I have never been more ready for summer vacation to come.  However, it is freezing outside considering it is about to be June. I hate living in Minnesota.  Only here would this happen. I swear I am moving as soon as I graduate from high school.  There is no way I can spend the rest of my life wearing sweatshirts in June.  

I performed Agnes of God on Wednesday (the 21st) and it went exceptionally well I think.  Im just glad it's over!  It's one less thing to worry about, and one more thing I was able to check off of my ridiculously long to-do list.  There are so many things I need to get accomplished in about a week.

I am getting a good start though I think. Hopefully I can pull all of this homework off. I really need to get al of this done so I can pass this year and not have to worry about any make-up work or summer school after June 5th (the last day of school).

Well I think that's al for now.  This is probably the lamest blog I will ever write, but I thought I should blog anyways.  I'll write again later with something more interesting to talk about.  Right now I'm exhausted and I need to finish writing this rough draft. I'm on the last paragraph, but for some reason I don't have the energy to write 3 more sentences about Truman Capote.  I do however have the energy to ramble on about nothing in a blog.

Okay I'm really leaving now

Good Night

Happy Birthday... to whoever has a birthday today :)

Stress

Most humans spend their lives stressed.  People have things on their mind and on their to-do-list all of the time.  Well, as soon as one thing is completed we automatically start being stressed about the next thing on our list.  It is this ridiculous thing we love to put ourselves through.  The thing that makes me wonder why we bother stressing over such small things is in fact that they are so small.  I worry about very small things, but I don't realize that what I'm worried about really is not that important.  In a year all of the things you were worried about today will not matter one bit because time healed your worry.  In one year, however, you will be stressed about several other things, in which won't be problems the year that follows.  And so it goes.  Our entire lives we spend time worrying and stressing about things that will pass over time.  It makes me wonder why we bother worrying at all.  If we know that eventually all of the things we want to accomplish will be accomplished, why would we fill several hours of the day overworking our thoughts about them?  

Today in hip-hop our teacher "Dancing Dave" as we call him played us a song.  One of the lines struck me, and made me think.  The words were, "Realize that today is the beginning of forever." Nas wrote this.  Although he is a rapper, and many people do not appreciate rap as an art, some of the lyrics Nas writes are absolutely brilliant.  They are sure to make your mind think.  I will not share with you my interpretation of that particaular lyric... I will allow you to interpret it however you wish. I just thought since it made me think it could make someone else think. So there you have it.

Happy Birthday Tori Spelling :)

Happy Birthday Janet Jackson :)

Jesus Lovin' Stranger

Yesterday I was eating lunch with a big group of friends downtown St. Paul. It was an absolutely beautiful day out. There was a man who approached us and said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you." Now, we're all arts students so of course we all rolled our eyes, said "okay" and continued eating.

Although we were all completely uninterested in what he had to say at this point, he continued on with his preaching. He asked us if we prayed to Jesus every day etc. This man also eventually told us that there was only one way to God and that was through Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, but who is one group to tell the rest of humanity we are living life the wrong way, and if we continue to not worship and believe Jesus Christ to be our Lord and Savior we will all burn in "Hell" because our beliefs are not theirs?

I'm not sure that it is anyone's business to decide where anyone besides themself will live their life, and spend their afterlife.

He continued... he also asked us a question that I found offending and yet very interesting. He asked, "if you were to die today would you go to heaven?" I, like the rest of my friends, disregarded that question. Despite my beliefs about Christ, God, and Heaven I did wonder if I was living my life well. Not to determine whether or not I would enter the pearly gates of Heaven if I were to die today, but what my karma would be. I needn't concern myself with living well according to how the Christians or how anyone else sees it. All I need to concern myself with is making sure I am doing everything I can to live my life the best way I see fit.

In order for me to live well I need to commit myself, enjoy myself, love myself, challenge myself, and embrace new experiences.

I do not believe we were put here to erase our sin. We are not made of sin. Spending your life kneeling down, and begging forgiveness of another will not be beneficial to yourself, nor to your growth. We did not come here as anyone else. We did not come here with anyone else. Therefore, we are not inclined to be living here for anyone else.

There are lyrics to a song that I have been repeating in my head lately so I will leave you with them to use or toss. If it helps great, if it doesn't it is not the right time nor the right words. But here it is... in the words of Madonna...

"Say what you like

Do what you feel

You know exactly who you are

The time is right now

You've got to decide

Stand in the back or

Be the star."

Happy Birthday Jamie-Lynn Sigler :)

Life is Good.

Well my life has been going very well lately. But just to clear up the previous post about my dad, I want to clarify that he was never abusive. I realize that it may sound that way, but that's not the case at all.
Anyways, about my life going well. My life would actually be perfect right now if it weren't for homework. I have so much homework to do this month its crazy. However, I think that once Juries are over and my performance is over than I will be very releaved of all sorts of tension. My shoulders are killing me lately. I have so much stress. I also think that I shouldn't let school and homework stress me out so much. If everything in my life is going well and stress-free except school, then I should focus on the rest of my life. Why let school prevent me from experiencing my otherwise perfect life?
Life is beautiful.
Release the stress and recognize the beauty.

Struggle

I have been struggling with life in general lately. Today I realize all of this sweat and blood will be worth it some day soon. There is no way people can work and believe in themseleves, and get no where. We were put here to succeed. Life is just a test. Anything in this world can be accomplished with hard work and complete confidence. I am becoming a more and more devoted actor each day I work on my craft. Whenever someone has ever told me that it is a difficult business to get into, and I should have a backup, I simply say, "I won't need a backup." I feel rather alone when I talk about my complete confidence in my craft and myself. When I talk about my struggle with it as well no one seems to relate. When I tell people that I hate it too much to quit, no one seems to understand. I think it really takes a certain kind of human to be an artist. If it did not take rare qualities everyone would be wonderful artists. If you don't understand the challenge, the struggle, or the depth your craft will have no depth. Any artist that lacks depth and an understanding for their art is certain to not have a long career. They will also not have the benefits of learning what art teaches us about the human mind, our behaviors, and of life. I'm completely certain of that. Actors like Cate Blanchett, Sean Penn, Meryl Streep, and Robert De Niro (of course there are more, but to name a few) understand their art, and so have had, and are still having, long lasting, honest careers in performing. To them it would seem, and to me, it is not simply performing. That statement may sound like a complete cliche. However, if you do understand the struggle, you understand what I mean.

Happy Birthday Lily Allen
David Beckham
& Bing Crosby :)

Happy May Day

Today I realized how important it is to forgive and forget. It is very difficult, and I still have to apply it to my life. I have been having issues with my dad since he returned into my life when I was about 7 years old. Since then, however, I haven't been able to trust him. He has given me no reason to. If anything, he has given me reason not to trust him. When he's around me I get very tense, and I take a tone with him that he does not appreciate. That doesn't really matter to me though. At least that's what I like to tell myself. Yesterday, one of my good friends Taylor shared a small piece of herself with our Viewpoints class, and her project brought tears to my eyes. It was about her experiences with her dad. I cried when she sang a song with the lyrics something like... (I'll update the real lyrics when Taylor texts me back and lets me know what they are) "You called me your little girl. Said you were a part of me. and no one will ever be like you." to a doll, that her dad had probably got for her. She stopped singing, threw the doll against the wall, and screamed. That is when the tears rolled. It showed just the way I was feeling about my dad. Except he always called me his "number one." That used to make me feel like I was loved by someone, but lately I don't feel that way. He also hasn't called me that since I was a very small child. I feel betrayed because of the things he's done to the family that have been so damaging to everyone. Then, he makes it seem like I am the one that needs to fix the relationship between us. For one thing, we never had an especially good relationship so there's nothing to fix. Second, I haven't done anything wrong. It's his fault that he acts like a child, and it is his fault I am afraid of love. It is his fault he wasn't there. He can't expect me to love and appreciate him when all he has done for me is fix my computer when it was broken. He can't expect me to respect him when the only time he apologizes or wants to communicate is via e-mail. I've always blamed my fear of a deep level of love on him. Maybe I should be the one to take the high road and try to fix things because I do feel like there is this piece missing, but I'm not even sure that I want to repair it. I don't know that the relationship is worth it.
Something else that bothered me today was that I thought about how angry I actually am at my mom. (Mom, I know you'll read this and you'll probably read things that you didn't know I thought about you, but this is something that I have never told you because I'm afraid to. I feel like I need to share it now though.) My dad has damaged me pemanently in several different ways, some people closest to me know what some of those ways are, but they are not appropriate to share online. However, he has made mistakes that have been very hurtful, and my mom has brought up divorce several times. So one time my dad did something that broke the family more than its ever been broken before. My mom was closer to divorce than I have ever seen her before. I wanted her to get a divorce. Not necessarily because I desperately wanted my father out of my life, but because it would prove to me that my mom could be independent and commit to something. When I thought she would go through with it, I was so close to finally being proud of her. By her going through with that divorce it would prove to me something I desperately want to believe in. That thing is knowing that women could stand alone, and be proud of themselves without a man. That a woman could be satisfied with her independence. I haven't seen much success from my mom in the past. It may sound terrible, but that is one of the only reasons I refuse to become my mother. Overall, she's a great woman, and very wise. However, I refuse to not have my dreams come true. I will work as hard as I can just because I refuse to fail. Maybe that is unhealthy, but as I see it, it is unhealthy to live a life where you feel unhappy, unsatisfied, and unaccomplished. So now, my life is devoted to working hard so I don't end up middle aged, in an unhappy marraige, with kids, and wondering where the hell my life went. I'm sorry, but that is how I feel. So I guess I can't be too sorry.

Happy Birthday Tim McGraw :)