Better or Worse

Last Thursday I got my drivers lisence. I was so excited because a week before that (the previous Wednesday) I took my drivers test and failed it. The reason I failed was becasue of an unmarked road. I had never seen a road like that and couldn't remember ever learning about them so I didn't know what to do. Since the road was unmarked I couldn't figure out if it was a one way or two way and the woman told me to take a left. So, since I didn't have much time to make a decision about whether it was a one way or a two way I got into the far far left lane to make a left turn. Well... that far far left lane was for opposing traffic and pulling into oncoming traffic is an automatic fail.
I was so upset. The minute my mom and I got into the car to go home I started crying. I was so mad that I didn't pass because of such a dumb mistake. I beat myself up over it until I passed my test on my second try. On my first test I parked fine and did everything right except turning left on that damn unmarked road.
I'm not a person who is used to failing at anything. My entire life, things always come easily to me, and I always get my way eventually. I'm not sure why that is, good karma maybe. I'm definitely not complaining but it's possible this good karma streak can soon end if I don't realize that I am human and I am bound to fail at some things.
I guess since I have been getting what I want since I was little I feel invincible. I've never had to really suffer for what I want. I've always wanted to suffer though. When I was younger I would look at all the celebrities and listen about all of their struggle stories. I thought the only way I would be able to get my biggest dream and live happily is if I suffered. So I created dramas. In middle school I used to do certain things I normally wouldn't. Along with those acts, I listened to dark music and I was someone I'm not.
Throughout my entire upbringing, I've blamed so much of my fears of affection and love on my father. Him being gone when I was younger is just a part of my drama. I don't even remember those times because I was so young, but I figure I could use that as an excuse for a lot of my problems. Problems I love to have.
Unfortunately, this makes me like my grandmother. My grandmother is not somebody I would like to immitate. However, I do have a great deal of her flaws.
I'm sure all of this easy living will catch up with me when I'm older. At least that's what I'm told will happen. Of course, I am only 16 how much suffering does a 16 yer old typically endure? Apparently a lot, but not for me. Some of my friends and a lot of my acquaintences have ridiculously challenging lives. They have abusive and addicted parents, hardly any money, and hardly any money saved for college. They deal with eating disorders and drug and alcohol problems. Most all of them have some guy problem.
I hardly have any of these problems. Some I do, but not even close to as extreme.
I don't know if what my life has become is good or bad. I can't decide if getting what I want is better or worse than suffering.

50 Years of Madonna

I don't really have anything to write about, but I really wanted to acknowledge the 50th birthday of a woman who has taken the world by storm. She is one of a kind and there is no way anyone can be like her. So here's a happy birthday to one of my favorite people that I don't know personally. Madonna! She has changed so many times and she keeps going, and she's not showing any signs of stopping. Since I have nothing else to say I wont.

Happy Birthday Madonna :)

As Far As You Know...

Something occured to me when I was working out today.

I really don't know why I blog. I know that no one besides my own mother reads it. Obviously I'm not blogging to find success nor to entertain anyone because no one can be entertained if no one knows I am here.

Anyways, here goes another post for no one to read.

Since no one is reading I will say whatever I want.

Well I think I'll start with... Fuck, I hate parents. (Yes, I just said fuck.) A friend of mine said it would be cool if I were to spend a few days at her house, and I think I just might do that.

I want to get away. I want to walk around late at night, and I want to enjoy my last few weeks of freedom. I am going to do what I want only for a few days. I don't do everything I want to do at any other time, so I think I have the write as a human being to take some time to make bad choices whether you think its a bad idea or not.

Now, I'm sure my parents can't see what it is I could possibly want to get away from. A 16 year old, especially a 16 year old like me, couldn't possibly have anything to get away from. Maybe it's just nothing that they would consider to be bad. They definitely need a break from me too, so I don't see what the problem is. Apparently I am a self absorbed-over dramatic-smart mouthed- self righteous-girl who has a stick up her ass and her nose in the air all the time.

Well, I'm not going to apologize for what I've done or how I act. There's a reason for all of it, and I'm just not sorry you don't see that.

Fuck, let me be a self absorbed-over dramatic-smart mouthed-self righteous-girl. It's not your problem.

I am so god damn tired of being controlled. I've been controlled forever. All my life I have been the good girl. If I've made mistakes my parents were the first to know.

I told them when I drank. As far as they know, every time I have ever drank I told them.

I told them when I smoked. As far as they know, every time I have ever smoked I told them about it.

I've always been a good student. I maintain good grades, and I always finish my homework. As far as they know, all of my homework is filled with correct answers that I figured out on my own.

I'm not going to throw my life away for a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of Raspberry Vodka, but what I will do is have a kick ass rest of the summer because for the rest of the year and the first half of next year I'll be back to the good girl.

I don't want to hear your mouth either because as far as you know I made this whole blog up.

I Thought Yes

I was planning on writing about this yesterday, but I decided not to.
Yesterday, I was working, and instead of doing my usual texting when I was bored at work I decided to lay down on the grass for a bit and think.
I mostly thought of contentment. I asked myself, "if my life were to stay this way forever, could I be happy?" It took awhile, and my mind turned back and forth for the right answer, but I came to a yes.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't work to achieve more, but I could be happy the way my life is now. I have aspirations and a good head on my shoulders. I thought about acting, and of course along with that thought comes my thoughts of Meryl and how much I want to work with her. I wondered if I could be happy without ever knowing her. I thought yes. I wondered if I could ever be happy without winning an Oscar. I thought yes.
As I was thinking, an orange white and brown bird landed on the branch of a tree near me. I observed it move its head in mechanical motions. I also saw it poop quite nonchalantly, and foudn that somewhat entertaining.
As I did, I continued to think about things. I thought about my weight, what my life would turn into, and what my life could turn into.
For awhile I have looked to birds as signs. When birds fly directly over my head, it is a sure sign of hope for me.
Not really thinking about that, I closed my eyes trying to feel content. Instead of feeling contentment I thought of acting, and all of my goals that are tied to acting. The desires I constantly have burning inside of me felt stronger than usual this time. It only lasted a couple of seconds because I heard noise around my head. I opened my eyes, and saw about 3 or 4 black birds fly directly over my head. I smiled and laughed to myself, and four words came to my mind. Everything will be alright.
In that moment, I realised that everything would be okay, and that my struggles of worrying about how my future will turn out should be let go. It is time for me to trust because I will get everything I've ever wanted.
Then, the bird on the branch hopped off and flew over my head. I laid there with complete faith. This experience couldn't have been a coincidence. I don't care what anyone says because I know everything will be okay.

The Hardest Part

Since I saw The Hours when I was 11 years old I have been in awe with Meryl Streep. That year, I wrote Meryl an e-mail telling her how much I admired her and how much she had inspired me. I don't know how long it took, but I later got a responding e-mail from her assistant, Myla. Myla said that she had tried responding to my e-mail to Meryl before, but that for some reason it didn't go through. She also said this, "Meryl has asked me to let you know that she appreciates all the kind words you wrote and wishes you all the best." This responding e-mail thrilled me! I couldn't believe that Meryl Streep had wished ME all the best. I was so inspired by those few words just because of who they came from.

It amazes me how much influence one human can have on another.

Lately I have been feeling stuck, like all the things I want are so far away, but at the same time I know I can still have them. It's complicated, and I feel like no one can relate. The feeling I have is that all I should be doing right now is acting. I'm dying to get my ass in a movie. I know what I want, and I'm tired of dreaming it, I want to live it. I figure all I need is to get more motivation.

So, on the 20th I sent another e-mail to Myla hoping she would give it to Meryl. I just keep thinking about how much I wish she would just respond. I have had the thought that if maybe if I were to check my e-mail, and see another message from Meryl in my inbox it would motivate me again, and it upsets me to think that I could never get a response...

I went to go see Mamma Mia! for the second time today with a friend, and realized that I don't need an e-mail from Meryl, or Myla, to motivate me. Just watching actors act is motivation enough, or at least it should be. However, that has never been motivation enough for me. My biggest motivation is knowing I've accomplished something, along with doing something that I love and that is challenging.

I need let go of my infatuation with Meryl because she can't save me. No one can, except me. I'm holding on too hard to the idea that she will give me the motivation I need, and that's what I've looked to her for I think. She was an ideal, she was a goal I wanted to reach. Of course, I still have my same goals! All I'm doing is detatching from everything I've become dependent on.

Although despite my knowing this, I still would love to have someone that has succeeded give me some advice on how to get out of my rut. Still, whenever my BlackBerry shows that I have a new e-mail in my inbox I get very hopeful, and that bothers me.

Since when is the hardest part of life letting go?

Summer is Finally Here

I can feel it. School is out for 3 months, and everything right now is just about having fun. I'm not worried about anything right now. All I'm doing is having a good time. I only have 3 months until I need to get back into school for my hardest year yet. There is no time for stress. I'm going to take advantage of the fact that I hardly have any responsability.
It's too bad I can't be in this mindset all year long. I guess I just have too many things to worry about every other season of the year.
So this summer, excuse me for not being thrilled about cleaning my room. These 3 months are my only down time for a long time.

Lame Blog.. sorry :)

I've been so busy lately, and a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I don't want to talk about it all here and now.  All I can say is that I can't wait for all of my finals to be over and the school year to end. I have never been more ready for summer vacation to come.  However, it is freezing outside considering it is about to be June. I hate living in Minnesota.  Only here would this happen. I swear I am moving as soon as I graduate from high school.  There is no way I can spend the rest of my life wearing sweatshirts in June.  

I performed Agnes of God on Wednesday (the 21st) and it went exceptionally well I think.  Im just glad it's over!  It's one less thing to worry about, and one more thing I was able to check off of my ridiculously long to-do list.  There are so many things I need to get accomplished in about a week.

I am getting a good start though I think. Hopefully I can pull all of this homework off. I really need to get al of this done so I can pass this year and not have to worry about any make-up work or summer school after June 5th (the last day of school).

Well I think that's al for now.  This is probably the lamest blog I will ever write, but I thought I should blog anyways.  I'll write again later with something more interesting to talk about.  Right now I'm exhausted and I need to finish writing this rough draft. I'm on the last paragraph, but for some reason I don't have the energy to write 3 more sentences about Truman Capote.  I do however have the energy to ramble on about nothing in a blog.

Okay I'm really leaving now

Good Night

Happy Birthday... to whoever has a birthday today :)

Stress

Most humans spend their lives stressed.  People have things on their mind and on their to-do-list all of the time.  Well, as soon as one thing is completed we automatically start being stressed about the next thing on our list.  It is this ridiculous thing we love to put ourselves through.  The thing that makes me wonder why we bother stressing over such small things is in fact that they are so small.  I worry about very small things, but I don't realize that what I'm worried about really is not that important.  In a year all of the things you were worried about today will not matter one bit because time healed your worry.  In one year, however, you will be stressed about several other things, in which won't be problems the year that follows.  And so it goes.  Our entire lives we spend time worrying and stressing about things that will pass over time.  It makes me wonder why we bother worrying at all.  If we know that eventually all of the things we want to accomplish will be accomplished, why would we fill several hours of the day overworking our thoughts about them?  

Today in hip-hop our teacher "Dancing Dave" as we call him played us a song.  One of the lines struck me, and made me think.  The words were, "Realize that today is the beginning of forever." Nas wrote this.  Although he is a rapper, and many people do not appreciate rap as an art, some of the lyrics Nas writes are absolutely brilliant.  They are sure to make your mind think.  I will not share with you my interpretation of that particaular lyric... I will allow you to interpret it however you wish. I just thought since it made me think it could make someone else think. So there you have it.

Happy Birthday Tori Spelling :)

Happy Birthday Janet Jackson :)

Jesus Lovin' Stranger

Yesterday I was eating lunch with a big group of friends downtown St. Paul. It was an absolutely beautiful day out. There was a man who approached us and said, "I just wanted to let you know that God loves you." Now, we're all arts students so of course we all rolled our eyes, said "okay" and continued eating.

Although we were all completely uninterested in what he had to say at this point, he continued on with his preaching. He asked us if we prayed to Jesus every day etc. This man also eventually told us that there was only one way to God and that was through Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, but who is one group to tell the rest of humanity we are living life the wrong way, and if we continue to not worship and believe Jesus Christ to be our Lord and Savior we will all burn in "Hell" because our beliefs are not theirs?

I'm not sure that it is anyone's business to decide where anyone besides themself will live their life, and spend their afterlife.

He continued... he also asked us a question that I found offending and yet very interesting. He asked, "if you were to die today would you go to heaven?" I, like the rest of my friends, disregarded that question. Despite my beliefs about Christ, God, and Heaven I did wonder if I was living my life well. Not to determine whether or not I would enter the pearly gates of Heaven if I were to die today, but what my karma would be. I needn't concern myself with living well according to how the Christians or how anyone else sees it. All I need to concern myself with is making sure I am doing everything I can to live my life the best way I see fit.

In order for me to live well I need to commit myself, enjoy myself, love myself, challenge myself, and embrace new experiences.

I do not believe we were put here to erase our sin. We are not made of sin. Spending your life kneeling down, and begging forgiveness of another will not be beneficial to yourself, nor to your growth. We did not come here as anyone else. We did not come here with anyone else. Therefore, we are not inclined to be living here for anyone else.

There are lyrics to a song that I have been repeating in my head lately so I will leave you with them to use or toss. If it helps great, if it doesn't it is not the right time nor the right words. But here it is... in the words of Madonna...

"Say what you like

Do what you feel

You know exactly who you are

The time is right now

You've got to decide

Stand in the back or

Be the star."

Happy Birthday Jamie-Lynn Sigler :)

Life is Good.

Well my life has been going very well lately. But just to clear up the previous post about my dad, I want to clarify that he was never abusive. I realize that it may sound that way, but that's not the case at all.
Anyways, about my life going well. My life would actually be perfect right now if it weren't for homework. I have so much homework to do this month its crazy. However, I think that once Juries are over and my performance is over than I will be very releaved of all sorts of tension. My shoulders are killing me lately. I have so much stress. I also think that I shouldn't let school and homework stress me out so much. If everything in my life is going well and stress-free except school, then I should focus on the rest of my life. Why let school prevent me from experiencing my otherwise perfect life?
Life is beautiful.
Release the stress and recognize the beauty.

Struggle

I have been struggling with life in general lately. Today I realize all of this sweat and blood will be worth it some day soon. There is no way people can work and believe in themseleves, and get no where. We were put here to succeed. Life is just a test. Anything in this world can be accomplished with hard work and complete confidence. I am becoming a more and more devoted actor each day I work on my craft. Whenever someone has ever told me that it is a difficult business to get into, and I should have a backup, I simply say, "I won't need a backup." I feel rather alone when I talk about my complete confidence in my craft and myself. When I talk about my struggle with it as well no one seems to relate. When I tell people that I hate it too much to quit, no one seems to understand. I think it really takes a certain kind of human to be an artist. If it did not take rare qualities everyone would be wonderful artists. If you don't understand the challenge, the struggle, or the depth your craft will have no depth. Any artist that lacks depth and an understanding for their art is certain to not have a long career. They will also not have the benefits of learning what art teaches us about the human mind, our behaviors, and of life. I'm completely certain of that. Actors like Cate Blanchett, Sean Penn, Meryl Streep, and Robert De Niro (of course there are more, but to name a few) understand their art, and so have had, and are still having, long lasting, honest careers in performing. To them it would seem, and to me, it is not simply performing. That statement may sound like a complete cliche. However, if you do understand the struggle, you understand what I mean.

Happy Birthday Lily Allen
David Beckham
& Bing Crosby :)

Happy May Day

Today I realized how important it is to forgive and forget. It is very difficult, and I still have to apply it to my life. I have been having issues with my dad since he returned into my life when I was about 7 years old. Since then, however, I haven't been able to trust him. He has given me no reason to. If anything, he has given me reason not to trust him. When he's around me I get very tense, and I take a tone with him that he does not appreciate. That doesn't really matter to me though. At least that's what I like to tell myself. Yesterday, one of my good friends Taylor shared a small piece of herself with our Viewpoints class, and her project brought tears to my eyes. It was about her experiences with her dad. I cried when she sang a song with the lyrics something like... (I'll update the real lyrics when Taylor texts me back and lets me know what they are) "You called me your little girl. Said you were a part of me. and no one will ever be like you." to a doll, that her dad had probably got for her. She stopped singing, threw the doll against the wall, and screamed. That is when the tears rolled. It showed just the way I was feeling about my dad. Except he always called me his "number one." That used to make me feel like I was loved by someone, but lately I don't feel that way. He also hasn't called me that since I was a very small child. I feel betrayed because of the things he's done to the family that have been so damaging to everyone. Then, he makes it seem like I am the one that needs to fix the relationship between us. For one thing, we never had an especially good relationship so there's nothing to fix. Second, I haven't done anything wrong. It's his fault that he acts like a child, and it is his fault I am afraid of love. It is his fault he wasn't there. He can't expect me to love and appreciate him when all he has done for me is fix my computer when it was broken. He can't expect me to respect him when the only time he apologizes or wants to communicate is via e-mail. I've always blamed my fear of a deep level of love on him. Maybe I should be the one to take the high road and try to fix things because I do feel like there is this piece missing, but I'm not even sure that I want to repair it. I don't know that the relationship is worth it.
Something else that bothered me today was that I thought about how angry I actually am at my mom. (Mom, I know you'll read this and you'll probably read things that you didn't know I thought about you, but this is something that I have never told you because I'm afraid to. I feel like I need to share it now though.) My dad has damaged me pemanently in several different ways, some people closest to me know what some of those ways are, but they are not appropriate to share online. However, he has made mistakes that have been very hurtful, and my mom has brought up divorce several times. So one time my dad did something that broke the family more than its ever been broken before. My mom was closer to divorce than I have ever seen her before. I wanted her to get a divorce. Not necessarily because I desperately wanted my father out of my life, but because it would prove to me that my mom could be independent and commit to something. When I thought she would go through with it, I was so close to finally being proud of her. By her going through with that divorce it would prove to me something I desperately want to believe in. That thing is knowing that women could stand alone, and be proud of themselves without a man. That a woman could be satisfied with her independence. I haven't seen much success from my mom in the past. It may sound terrible, but that is one of the only reasons I refuse to become my mother. Overall, she's a great woman, and very wise. However, I refuse to not have my dreams come true. I will work as hard as I can just because I refuse to fail. Maybe that is unhealthy, but as I see it, it is unhealthy to live a life where you feel unhappy, unsatisfied, and unaccomplished. So now, my life is devoted to working hard so I don't end up middle aged, in an unhappy marraige, with kids, and wondering where the hell my life went. I'm sorry, but that is how I feel. So I guess I can't be too sorry.

Happy Birthday Tim McGraw :)

Pleased With the Trees

I am just having terrible luck lately with this blog thing. Earlier today I wrote an extremely long entry about my day, and some of my thoughts, and my dad was working on my computer and exited out of the internet, and I never saved it. I won't let that happen again.
Well today, I've been listening to Madonna's new CD Hard Candy, which I got yesterday, but I have been listening to it a lot today. I absolutely love it. I love the songs Incredible, Miles Away, and Devil Wouldn't Recognize You. All the songs are good, but those are my absolute favorites. If you don't have the album yet go out and get it. Right now... get off the computer and to Target. Just kidding... but seriously :)
Just watched American Idol, and I'm kind of bummed out that Brooke is gone, but I'm definately not suprised. I think that next week Syesha will leave, and the week after that it will be Jason. The final 2 will definately be the David's. My friends and I made bets about who we thought would get voted off. I bet on Syesha, Rachel bet on Jason, and Cody bet on Brooke... he wins! We only bet a dollar though so it won't completely kill my wallet.
Anyways, earlier today my younger sister gave me an interesting thought. She wanted to show me something that she could do outside and she was very excited about it. Essentially what she did was run from one end of the backyard to the trapese on the small playground we have and swung on it. Then, for the grand finale she jumped off! Now I found that a very large waste of my time. My sister on the other hand was quite thrilled by her accomplishment. So I thought that maybe we would all be better off if we were thrilled by small things. Maybe if everyone got excited just by jumping off a swing the people would be happy because we wouldn't seek for so much and then be unsatisfied with what we have now. Perhaps if we were pleased with the trees and our ability to love the world could live in peace. Just a thought.
Well, I think that's enough for tonight. I need to read In Cold Blood for my project.
Good night, I'll be back tomorrow

Happy Birthday Kirsten Dunst :)

Post that got deleted. Written April 29, 2008

Hello,This is my first blog entry. This is kind of weird for me to just write about my day or things I am thinking about. I guess I'll start with how my day was. My day was fine, however I've been quite stressed out lately. I have so much to get accomplished and very little time to complete it all. On May 12th I must have a monologue prepared to do in front of all the arts staff at my school and theatre level 4. On May 21st I am doing a performance of Agnes of God so by then I must have a greater understanding for my character of Mother Superior, which up until today has been a complete and utter burden. Today we had a rehersal during acting class for Agnes of God, and we did something called an Italian Speed-Through. It was probably the most chaotic and wonderful thing I've ever done in theatre. An Italian Speed-Through is when you say all of your lines as fast as you can, and all of your movements and words need to be as large and crazy as possible. It was wonderful to just let go and not care about what the outcome would be. I felt free, and I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. I think that is when art happens. When you stop thinking, and stop trying. My teacher Brian Goranson once quoted someone, and I can't remember who at the moment, but he said "creativity happens between thoughts." I thought that was interesting, and completely true. On a more shallow topic, this Friday I have a chemistry test in which I am completely unprepared to take. I understand absolutely no part of chemistry whatsoever. It is not how my brain works. There is just so much homework to do, and I always have so much on my mind. I also need to read In Cold Blood for my Honors American Literature class, and do a research paper/ presentation on the book and also on Truman Capote. I also am dying to pick up Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth again. My mind is craving it. I have just been so busy, but I guess it's my fault because right now I could be expanding my mind and understanding of myself by reading that book, instead I am sitting at a computer blogging about my very lame day. "So it goes". (I just finished reading Slaughter House- Five, and have now been living by that quote.) I got Madonna's new CD Hard Candy today I think that it is good. Madonna is in phenomenal shape and her new sound is pretty cool. I like that she is always changing. She is a very bold and eccentric reflection of the way all of us change over the years. We are always evolving and always growing. I think that's pretty much all for tonight. I will be sure to blog again about my probably uneventful day again tomorrow.Happy Birthday Michelle Pfeiffer :)