Better or Worse

Last Thursday I got my drivers lisence. I was so excited because a week before that (the previous Wednesday) I took my drivers test and failed it. The reason I failed was becasue of an unmarked road. I had never seen a road like that and couldn't remember ever learning about them so I didn't know what to do. Since the road was unmarked I couldn't figure out if it was a one way or two way and the woman told me to take a left. So, since I didn't have much time to make a decision about whether it was a one way or a two way I got into the far far left lane to make a left turn. Well... that far far left lane was for opposing traffic and pulling into oncoming traffic is an automatic fail.
I was so upset. The minute my mom and I got into the car to go home I started crying. I was so mad that I didn't pass because of such a dumb mistake. I beat myself up over it until I passed my test on my second try. On my first test I parked fine and did everything right except turning left on that damn unmarked road.
I'm not a person who is used to failing at anything. My entire life, things always come easily to me, and I always get my way eventually. I'm not sure why that is, good karma maybe. I'm definitely not complaining but it's possible this good karma streak can soon end if I don't realize that I am human and I am bound to fail at some things.
I guess since I have been getting what I want since I was little I feel invincible. I've never had to really suffer for what I want. I've always wanted to suffer though. When I was younger I would look at all the celebrities and listen about all of their struggle stories. I thought the only way I would be able to get my biggest dream and live happily is if I suffered. So I created dramas. In middle school I used to do certain things I normally wouldn't. Along with those acts, I listened to dark music and I was someone I'm not.
Throughout my entire upbringing, I've blamed so much of my fears of affection and love on my father. Him being gone when I was younger is just a part of my drama. I don't even remember those times because I was so young, but I figure I could use that as an excuse for a lot of my problems. Problems I love to have.
Unfortunately, this makes me like my grandmother. My grandmother is not somebody I would like to immitate. However, I do have a great deal of her flaws.
I'm sure all of this easy living will catch up with me when I'm older. At least that's what I'm told will happen. Of course, I am only 16 how much suffering does a 16 yer old typically endure? Apparently a lot, but not for me. Some of my friends and a lot of my acquaintences have ridiculously challenging lives. They have abusive and addicted parents, hardly any money, and hardly any money saved for college. They deal with eating disorders and drug and alcohol problems. Most all of them have some guy problem.
I hardly have any of these problems. Some I do, but not even close to as extreme.
I don't know if what my life has become is good or bad. I can't decide if getting what I want is better or worse than suffering.

50 Years of Madonna

I don't really have anything to write about, but I really wanted to acknowledge the 50th birthday of a woman who has taken the world by storm. She is one of a kind and there is no way anyone can be like her. So here's a happy birthday to one of my favorite people that I don't know personally. Madonna! She has changed so many times and she keeps going, and she's not showing any signs of stopping. Since I have nothing else to say I wont.

Happy Birthday Madonna :)

As Far As You Know...

Something occured to me when I was working out today.

I really don't know why I blog. I know that no one besides my own mother reads it. Obviously I'm not blogging to find success nor to entertain anyone because no one can be entertained if no one knows I am here.

Anyways, here goes another post for no one to read.

Since no one is reading I will say whatever I want.

Well I think I'll start with... Fuck, I hate parents. (Yes, I just said fuck.) A friend of mine said it would be cool if I were to spend a few days at her house, and I think I just might do that.

I want to get away. I want to walk around late at night, and I want to enjoy my last few weeks of freedom. I am going to do what I want only for a few days. I don't do everything I want to do at any other time, so I think I have the write as a human being to take some time to make bad choices whether you think its a bad idea or not.

Now, I'm sure my parents can't see what it is I could possibly want to get away from. A 16 year old, especially a 16 year old like me, couldn't possibly have anything to get away from. Maybe it's just nothing that they would consider to be bad. They definitely need a break from me too, so I don't see what the problem is. Apparently I am a self absorbed-over dramatic-smart mouthed- self righteous-girl who has a stick up her ass and her nose in the air all the time.

Well, I'm not going to apologize for what I've done or how I act. There's a reason for all of it, and I'm just not sorry you don't see that.

Fuck, let me be a self absorbed-over dramatic-smart mouthed-self righteous-girl. It's not your problem.

I am so god damn tired of being controlled. I've been controlled forever. All my life I have been the good girl. If I've made mistakes my parents were the first to know.

I told them when I drank. As far as they know, every time I have ever drank I told them.

I told them when I smoked. As far as they know, every time I have ever smoked I told them about it.

I've always been a good student. I maintain good grades, and I always finish my homework. As far as they know, all of my homework is filled with correct answers that I figured out on my own.

I'm not going to throw my life away for a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of Raspberry Vodka, but what I will do is have a kick ass rest of the summer because for the rest of the year and the first half of next year I'll be back to the good girl.

I don't want to hear your mouth either because as far as you know I made this whole blog up.

I Thought Yes

I was planning on writing about this yesterday, but I decided not to.
Yesterday, I was working, and instead of doing my usual texting when I was bored at work I decided to lay down on the grass for a bit and think.
I mostly thought of contentment. I asked myself, "if my life were to stay this way forever, could I be happy?" It took awhile, and my mind turned back and forth for the right answer, but I came to a yes.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't work to achieve more, but I could be happy the way my life is now. I have aspirations and a good head on my shoulders. I thought about acting, and of course along with that thought comes my thoughts of Meryl and how much I want to work with her. I wondered if I could be happy without ever knowing her. I thought yes. I wondered if I could ever be happy without winning an Oscar. I thought yes.
As I was thinking, an orange white and brown bird landed on the branch of a tree near me. I observed it move its head in mechanical motions. I also saw it poop quite nonchalantly, and foudn that somewhat entertaining.
As I did, I continued to think about things. I thought about my weight, what my life would turn into, and what my life could turn into.
For awhile I have looked to birds as signs. When birds fly directly over my head, it is a sure sign of hope for me.
Not really thinking about that, I closed my eyes trying to feel content. Instead of feeling contentment I thought of acting, and all of my goals that are tied to acting. The desires I constantly have burning inside of me felt stronger than usual this time. It only lasted a couple of seconds because I heard noise around my head. I opened my eyes, and saw about 3 or 4 black birds fly directly over my head. I smiled and laughed to myself, and four words came to my mind. Everything will be alright.
In that moment, I realised that everything would be okay, and that my struggles of worrying about how my future will turn out should be let go. It is time for me to trust because I will get everything I've ever wanted.
Then, the bird on the branch hopped off and flew over my head. I laid there with complete faith. This experience couldn't have been a coincidence. I don't care what anyone says because I know everything will be okay.