The Plane is Crashing

For the past few months I have had a handful of dreams where I am in airplanes that crash or experience severe turbulence. I also had one two nights ago about a collapsing bridge.

One night I had a series of plane-crashing dreams. One of them, I was in an airport that was being attacked by what seemed like a terrorist attack. Planes crashed into the airport, the glass ceiling shattered and I was in the center of it all. Later in that same dream there were many cubicles of injured people. I just walked through looking in each room. Another was I was on the plane and it crashed into the ground. I survived. Then, I got on another plane that crashed into a building, but I survived this one as well. I jumped out of the plane in a parachute, almost crashed into a construction crane but landed on the ground. There may have been one or two other crashes, but I can't recall them.

Two nights ago I was on a bridge where I was accompanied by Emma Thompson (that was the good part). I went up to her and told her how much I admired her and we hugged. We ended up talking for awhile then the bridge began to shake. She dropped her purse off of the bridge and I just ran. There was lava beneath the bridge, and I woke up.

Since there is a reoccuring theme of me being apart of some destruction I thought I would do a little research about what this could all mean.

To transfer from plane to plane is, "implies an important transitional phase in your life which will take you away from your intended path. These changes will take you to new directions and new heights of status and recognition."

Dreams of planes crashing according to an online source is, "Suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified."

These seem to be contradicting themes, yet they both make sense. I worry so often about my future and my career. Can I handle the dream I've dreamt? Will I survive the industry? Will I keep going even after being beaten down? It does seem like a very large and unattainable dream, but at the same time. I believe I can attain it. If I work hard. What I fear the most is letting myself down. That I will take so much rejection that I will quit.

Acting is the one thing I've always been certain about so the thought of leaving it behind is terrifying.

The thing is, all my life I have had time. Time to dream and to kill before really working to achieve my goals. The time is almost up. I no longer have the time I had to dream. The time has come to work hard. Right now is when I have to make my dreams come true. The next few years of my life are crucial in determining how the rest of my life will turn out. It's a lot of pressure.

If I stay focused and put my blinders on, as so many people have told me to do, I should get to where I'm going.

What I need most in myself is faith.

What Death Has Taught Me

For a while now it seems people are constantly dying. It’s like you have to be aware of what you’re saying about everyone and when you see someone you have to be thoughtful because you never know if it will be the last time you’ll see them or talk about them.

For me, it started with the death of my friend’s step dad. He had been fighting cancer for a couple of years and I didn’t see him after he started treatment. I had made plans a couple of times to visit, but they never worked out. Before I knew it my friend told me he passed, and I was looking at the box, which held what remained of his body.

A couple months before his passing, Natasha Richardson died. Her death had a profound effect on me. I cried for weeks about this woman I never met. I only recall adoring her in The Parent Trap and getting excited when I saw her in Maid in Manhattan because I wasn't expecting her appearance in that movie. I got so excited because, as I recall, I wanted her to be my mother as a young girl after watching The Parent Trap. She wasn't a woman I thought about often, nor an actress I would think to say was my favorite when asked who my favorite actress was. However, I was always fond of her and never had any negative thoughts about her. Her death, must have been so sad to me because it was so sudden. It's always the worst when it's unexpected. Also, because she had a light about her that I was sad to see go.

Last month, my grandpa, sister, mom and I went to Chicago to see all the relatives for my great Aunt and Uncle’s 50^th Anniversary. It was either, mom or grandpa, or both that said, “This could be the last time the whole family is together.” That made me so sad. So I consciously went on this short weekend trip with this in mind. So I tried to be as social and loving as possible because the truth is I love that part of my family dearly and would hate to lose any of them. Thankfully, they are all still here. One day I will lose them, and I know that, but I don’t want it to be anytime soon.

I didn’t realize how much they all really meant to me until I realized, “this could be the last time I see any of them.”

Just before our trip, Michael Jackson passed which was an absolutely heartbreaking shock to me, as well as to the rest of the world. It really had me on the edge about my family and friends. He made me realize life goes by so quickly and mine could end, as well as any one of the people that are important to me, at any time, without warning. What a scary thing, but it is death that has made me realize how important life is. And how important it is to tell people you love them when you can and hug them when you want to hug them because if you don’t, you might regret it.

That’s one thing I can say about the Chicago trip. I don’t regret anything. I did everything I wanted to do and said everything I wanted to say. Although I rarely see them or talk to them, so I don't get the chance to tell them, hopefully they all know that I love and appreciate them so much. Little do they know they are some of the biggest influences on me. They have inspired me in many ways.

Death has taught me to appreciate life while I have it. It has taught me that dwelling on the past and holding grudges is useless because it won't matter when you're gone. It has taught me that each moment we have is a small piece of a lifetime of gifts because right now is a moment that not everyone that has lived or will live gets to have. It has taught me that I might only get 25 years on Earth and to enjoy what I have now while also always working for the future.

In a song about this by Nickelback, it is written

"Each day is a gift and not a given right."

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

Humans and Nature

While on my daily walk on a path near my house Lilli, my younger sister, pointed out a doe to me. The doe stood still staring at Lilli and I as we paused in our steps to look at how pretty she was. As we inched forward, she watched our every move. In a few steps we saw that her babies were in the direction we were walking.

I couldn't help but feel sad that this doe was afraid of us. She was of course rightfully so afraid of humans, but the reasons she is afraid is what is sad.

That, we as humans, think we are far above the rest of nature and take it upon ourselves to decide who lives and who dies. Both in our species and others.

What made us so power hungry? When did we stop believing we were one with nature and start believing we were above it? And is it possible to return to a place where we don't kill?

It reminds me of a song by the late King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

Part of the song is:

What have we done to the world

Look what we've done

What about all the peace

That you pledge your only son...

What about flowering fields

Is there a time

What about all the dreams

That you said was yours and mine...

Did you ever stop to notice

All the children dead from war

Did you ever stop to notice

The crying Earth, the weeping shores.

....

Hey, what about yesterday
What about the seas
The heavens are falling down
I can't even breathe
What about the bleeding Earth
Can't we feel its wounds
What about nature's worth
It's our planet's womb
What about animals
We've turned kingdoms to dust
What about elephants
Have we lost their trust
What about crying whales
We're ravaging the seas
What about forest trails
Burnt despite our pleas
What about the holy land
Torn apart by creed
What about the common man
Can't we set him free
What about children dying

Can't you hear them cry
Where did we go wrong
Someone tell me why
What about babies
What about the days
What about all their joy
What about the man
What about the crying man
What about Abraham
What about death again
Do we give a damn

I think it's important for the current and future generations to accept animals as equal to us. They may not be able to communicate in our language with us, but they are here just as we are. We must share a similar purpose if we are all here at the same time.

Just a thought.

Better or Worse

Last Thursday I got my drivers lisence. I was so excited because a week before that (the previous Wednesday) I took my drivers test and failed it. The reason I failed was becasue of an unmarked road. I had never seen a road like that and couldn't remember ever learning about them so I didn't know what to do. Since the road was unmarked I couldn't figure out if it was a one way or two way and the woman told me to take a left. So, since I didn't have much time to make a decision about whether it was a one way or a two way I got into the far far left lane to make a left turn. Well... that far far left lane was for opposing traffic and pulling into oncoming traffic is an automatic fail.
I was so upset. The minute my mom and I got into the car to go home I started crying. I was so mad that I didn't pass because of such a dumb mistake. I beat myself up over it until I passed my test on my second try. On my first test I parked fine and did everything right except turning left on that damn unmarked road.
I'm not a person who is used to failing at anything. My entire life, things always come easily to me, and I always get my way eventually. I'm not sure why that is, good karma maybe. I'm definitely not complaining but it's possible this good karma streak can soon end if I don't realize that I am human and I am bound to fail at some things.
I guess since I have been getting what I want since I was little I feel invincible. I've never had to really suffer for what I want. I've always wanted to suffer though. When I was younger I would look at all the celebrities and listen about all of their struggle stories. I thought the only way I would be able to get my biggest dream and live happily is if I suffered. So I created dramas. In middle school I used to do certain things I normally wouldn't. Along with those acts, I listened to dark music and I was someone I'm not.
Throughout my entire upbringing, I've blamed so much of my fears of affection and love on my father. Him being gone when I was younger is just a part of my drama. I don't even remember those times because I was so young, but I figure I could use that as an excuse for a lot of my problems. Problems I love to have.
Unfortunately, this makes me like my grandmother. My grandmother is not somebody I would like to immitate. However, I do have a great deal of her flaws.
I'm sure all of this easy living will catch up with me when I'm older. At least that's what I'm told will happen. Of course, I am only 16 how much suffering does a 16 yer old typically endure? Apparently a lot, but not for me. Some of my friends and a lot of my acquaintences have ridiculously challenging lives. They have abusive and addicted parents, hardly any money, and hardly any money saved for college. They deal with eating disorders and drug and alcohol problems. Most all of them have some guy problem.
I hardly have any of these problems. Some I do, but not even close to as extreme.
I don't know if what my life has become is good or bad. I can't decide if getting what I want is better or worse than suffering.

50 Years of Madonna

I don't really have anything to write about, but I really wanted to acknowledge the 50th birthday of a woman who has taken the world by storm. She is one of a kind and there is no way anyone can be like her. So here's a happy birthday to one of my favorite people that I don't know personally. Madonna! She has changed so many times and she keeps going, and she's not showing any signs of stopping. Since I have nothing else to say I wont.

Happy Birthday Madonna :)

As Far As You Know...

Something occured to me when I was working out today.

I really don't know why I blog. I know that no one besides my own mother reads it. Obviously I'm not blogging to find success nor to entertain anyone because no one can be entertained if no one knows I am here.

Anyways, here goes another post for no one to read.

Since no one is reading I will say whatever I want.

Well I think I'll start with... Fuck, I hate parents. (Yes, I just said fuck.) A friend of mine said it would be cool if I were to spend a few days at her house, and I think I just might do that.

I want to get away. I want to walk around late at night, and I want to enjoy my last few weeks of freedom. I am going to do what I want only for a few days. I don't do everything I want to do at any other time, so I think I have the write as a human being to take some time to make bad choices whether you think its a bad idea or not.

Now, I'm sure my parents can't see what it is I could possibly want to get away from. A 16 year old, especially a 16 year old like me, couldn't possibly have anything to get away from. Maybe it's just nothing that they would consider to be bad. They definitely need a break from me too, so I don't see what the problem is. Apparently I am a self absorbed-over dramatic-smart mouthed- self righteous-girl who has a stick up her ass and her nose in the air all the time.

Well, I'm not going to apologize for what I've done or how I act. There's a reason for all of it, and I'm just not sorry you don't see that.

Fuck, let me be a self absorbed-over dramatic-smart mouthed-self righteous-girl. It's not your problem.

I am so god damn tired of being controlled. I've been controlled forever. All my life I have been the good girl. If I've made mistakes my parents were the first to know.

I told them when I drank. As far as they know, every time I have ever drank I told them.

I told them when I smoked. As far as they know, every time I have ever smoked I told them about it.

I've always been a good student. I maintain good grades, and I always finish my homework. As far as they know, all of my homework is filled with correct answers that I figured out on my own.

I'm not going to throw my life away for a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of Raspberry Vodka, but what I will do is have a kick ass rest of the summer because for the rest of the year and the first half of next year I'll be back to the good girl.

I don't want to hear your mouth either because as far as you know I made this whole blog up.

I Thought Yes

I was planning on writing about this yesterday, but I decided not to.
Yesterday, I was working, and instead of doing my usual texting when I was bored at work I decided to lay down on the grass for a bit and think.
I mostly thought of contentment. I asked myself, "if my life were to stay this way forever, could I be happy?" It took awhile, and my mind turned back and forth for the right answer, but I came to a yes.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't work to achieve more, but I could be happy the way my life is now. I have aspirations and a good head on my shoulders. I thought about acting, and of course along with that thought comes my thoughts of Meryl and how much I want to work with her. I wondered if I could be happy without ever knowing her. I thought yes. I wondered if I could ever be happy without winning an Oscar. I thought yes.
As I was thinking, an orange white and brown bird landed on the branch of a tree near me. I observed it move its head in mechanical motions. I also saw it poop quite nonchalantly, and foudn that somewhat entertaining.
As I did, I continued to think about things. I thought about my weight, what my life would turn into, and what my life could turn into.
For awhile I have looked to birds as signs. When birds fly directly over my head, it is a sure sign of hope for me.
Not really thinking about that, I closed my eyes trying to feel content. Instead of feeling contentment I thought of acting, and all of my goals that are tied to acting. The desires I constantly have burning inside of me felt stronger than usual this time. It only lasted a couple of seconds because I heard noise around my head. I opened my eyes, and saw about 3 or 4 black birds fly directly over my head. I smiled and laughed to myself, and four words came to my mind. Everything will be alright.
In that moment, I realised that everything would be okay, and that my struggles of worrying about how my future will turn out should be let go. It is time for me to trust because I will get everything I've ever wanted.
Then, the bird on the branch hopped off and flew over my head. I laid there with complete faith. This experience couldn't have been a coincidence. I don't care what anyone says because I know everything will be okay.