Happy May Day

Today I realized how important it is to forgive and forget. It is very difficult, and I still have to apply it to my life. I have been having issues with my dad since he returned into my life when I was about 7 years old. Since then, however, I haven't been able to trust him. He has given me no reason to. If anything, he has given me reason not to trust him. When he's around me I get very tense, and I take a tone with him that he does not appreciate. That doesn't really matter to me though. At least that's what I like to tell myself. Yesterday, one of my good friends Taylor shared a small piece of herself with our Viewpoints class, and her project brought tears to my eyes. It was about her experiences with her dad. I cried when she sang a song with the lyrics something like... (I'll update the real lyrics when Taylor texts me back and lets me know what they are) "You called me your little girl. Said you were a part of me. and no one will ever be like you." to a doll, that her dad had probably got for her. She stopped singing, threw the doll against the wall, and screamed. That is when the tears rolled. It showed just the way I was feeling about my dad. Except he always called me his "number one." That used to make me feel like I was loved by someone, but lately I don't feel that way. He also hasn't called me that since I was a very small child. I feel betrayed because of the things he's done to the family that have been so damaging to everyone. Then, he makes it seem like I am the one that needs to fix the relationship between us. For one thing, we never had an especially good relationship so there's nothing to fix. Second, I haven't done anything wrong. It's his fault that he acts like a child, and it is his fault I am afraid of love. It is his fault he wasn't there. He can't expect me to love and appreciate him when all he has done for me is fix my computer when it was broken. He can't expect me to respect him when the only time he apologizes or wants to communicate is via e-mail. I've always blamed my fear of a deep level of love on him. Maybe I should be the one to take the high road and try to fix things because I do feel like there is this piece missing, but I'm not even sure that I want to repair it. I don't know that the relationship is worth it.
Something else that bothered me today was that I thought about how angry I actually am at my mom. (Mom, I know you'll read this and you'll probably read things that you didn't know I thought about you, but this is something that I have never told you because I'm afraid to. I feel like I need to share it now though.) My dad has damaged me pemanently in several different ways, some people closest to me know what some of those ways are, but they are not appropriate to share online. However, he has made mistakes that have been very hurtful, and my mom has brought up divorce several times. So one time my dad did something that broke the family more than its ever been broken before. My mom was closer to divorce than I have ever seen her before. I wanted her to get a divorce. Not necessarily because I desperately wanted my father out of my life, but because it would prove to me that my mom could be independent and commit to something. When I thought she would go through with it, I was so close to finally being proud of her. By her going through with that divorce it would prove to me something I desperately want to believe in. That thing is knowing that women could stand alone, and be proud of themselves without a man. That a woman could be satisfied with her independence. I haven't seen much success from my mom in the past. It may sound terrible, but that is one of the only reasons I refuse to become my mother. Overall, she's a great woman, and very wise. However, I refuse to not have my dreams come true. I will work as hard as I can just because I refuse to fail. Maybe that is unhealthy, but as I see it, it is unhealthy to live a life where you feel unhappy, unsatisfied, and unaccomplished. So now, my life is devoted to working hard so I don't end up middle aged, in an unhappy marraige, with kids, and wondering where the hell my life went. I'm sorry, but that is how I feel. So I guess I can't be too sorry.

Happy Birthday Tim McGraw :)